There’s no such thing as casual sex.
I was reflecting on this idea of what people commonly call casual sex, which is pretty much most sex these days it seems, and it occurred to me when someone sticks their most intimate part of their body into my most intimate part of my body, that’s not casual on any level. Not for either person. Just because so many times people hardly know each other before they decide to get naked and explore each other’s genitals in one form or another, doesn’t mean that it isn’t something that affects us profoundly, and on layers and levels of our psyches and souls that we can’t fathom consciously.
I recently wrote a blog post about the wisdom and vulnerability of the vagina that has been making the rounds and many of you may have read it. If you haven’t, when you finish this one you should check it out in the archives here. It speaks in great detail to this idea for women in particular, so go check it out after you read this post.
So let’s explore how it is even conceivably possible that genital contact is casual. We can extend it to oral sex but the place where I find it most compelling to examine is of course in intercourse.
How could the merging of these two anatomical components of human existence that create new human existence be called casual in any sense? Seriously, stop and think about this. Ladies, any time you sleep with a man, any time you allow him to enter you, you have just had an intimate experience. If this man is a stranger, you basically have just participated in your own home invasion, LOL.
Guys, when you don’t know this woman, you really are using her as a receptacle, as a vehicle for your own pleasure, not saying that a woman may not be doing the exact same thing because that, after all, is the general intention in casual sex but, guys, come on, you protect your precious family jewels and then you just willy-nilly, (I really didn’t intend that pun, but let’s go with it), you find yourself inside a stranger with your most vulnerable asset aside from your heart. You’re literally inside a woman’s body, one with her for all intents and purposes, and you’re going to tell me that’s casual? And why don’t you have enough self-respect to think with the head on your shoulders instead of the one in your pants?
The awkwardness and discomfort most people feel after casual sex literally makes my point here because you KNOW that was an intimate experience despite your lack of emotional presence.
Now let’s talk a little bit about some of the physical aspects of casual sex that present themselves as forms of “sexual dysfunction” like premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction. I’m starting with the guys first for a change, and because the blog I wrote about the vulnerability and wisdom of the vagina has the ladies covered on this. All the science talks about stress and performance anxiety and all those mental pieces that go into affecting a man’s erection or his ability to sustain it without coming too quickly. But what about the part of the man on the consciousness level that actually understands that engaging with another human being sexually is a powerful and important event? The body never lies. It speaks the truth on so many levels about so many things. I truly believe that in many cases when a man is unable to sustain an erection or is a premature ejaculator, he just doesn’t want to be with that woman. And his body knows that and won’t cooperate. What you’re looking for guys, is a heart-on and when you choose women not aligned with that desire, you can’t get it up, keep it up, or you just come quickly. You body is trying to keep you from betraying a deeper part of your nature, one that society conveniently likes to leave out as it defines masculinity for you.
I also believe that men in many ways have more sensitive hearts than women,(more on that in another post) and I err on the side of believing in you guys and holding you to higher standards than perhaps society does (or you do yourself.)
In the case of premature ejaculation I like to think it’s kind of like ” I don’t really want to be here so let me hurry up and get it over with” kind of a feeling. I know that sometimes there’s a sense of worry when a guy is with someone who he really does want to be with, but then you’re back to YOU on that one. How are you feeling about yourself in general? What’s your self-worth quotient?
These days it seems that everyone requires science in order quantify or arrive at “truth,” but I really believe that our bodies are the greatest repositories of wisdom teachings that we have and all we have to do is listen to the messages that are constantly emanating from them.
Sex is never casual, it is a powerful and important part of our lives and we should treat it that way. There are electromagnetic currents that run through our genitals when we have sex and when the pathways are aligned and open, sex becomes sacred and alchemical. For that alignment and openness to exist there must be a heart connection, intimacy, vulnerability, trust and surrender. For those of you who think that’s too new-agey, there’s science behind that, and Tantra is founded on these ancient truths.
Sometimes I think we’re just masturbating and using each others bodies to do it because we’re not present with each other as human beings, in our consciousness, nor in the heart. Both men and women need to stop being so afraid to be vulnerable with each other. If we’re able to figure out whether someone is trustable with our vulnerability, then when we take the step to get naked with them, the chances of having an amazing experience sexually go up exponentially. But we are all fucking each other too soon and without any regard for whether that person who we are about to enter or be entered by is someone that we are really aligned with in other more important ways.
And yet there are times when two people come together who may be total strangers but because of their capacity for vulnerability or intimacy can have a very powerful experience with one another. That is rare but could also very well be the norm if we were all working on cultivating a capacity for vulnerability and intimacy with ourselves first. If we did that, we would value ourselves in a higher way and we wouldn’t just jump into bed with anyone just because we have an urge. You would have more self-respect and that would cause you to honor your own sexuality as something precious.
You want to have amazing soul-stirring sex? Then stop treating it as a casual thing.
Another reason it’s not casual? Seems like everybody I talk to these days has to do a little something -something before they have sex with somebody that they’re not really connected to. A little bit of weed, some pills, Viagra, a few drinks, or other more addictive substances. You’re overriding your body’s desire not to be with someone in many of these instances and you’re also numbing yourself from the vulnerability inherent in sexual congress. That’s why when it’s over, you feel awkward and vulnerable, and exiting stage left, or right is on your mind. A guy friend of mine once told me that often after having sex just for sex, he’d wish that woman would turn into a six-pack and a pizza as soon as he came. I know some of you guys are thinking, “yep.”
When was the last time you got really truly naked with somebody, not just taking off your clothes, and not either numbing yourself or stimulating yourself artificially with a substance of any kind? That’s where the vulnerability starts and that’s what people are running from, but it’s one of the main ingredients in soul-stirring sex. Why? Because it is the foundation for intimacy, without which we can only feel empty and disconnected from either ourselves, the person we just had sex with or both, depending on our level of self-awareness.
We are all longing for deep connection in our lives. The internet helps us connect in certain ways, but it isolates us in others. If we were all having intimate, connected sexual experiences, the world would be a peaceful, happy place. That may seem idealistic, but think about how you feel when you’ve had a deep sexual exchange with someone. Not an orgasm, but a real merging, where the two become one, as we say in tango. Orgasm is the end in casual sex, but the beginning in deep soul-stirring sex, because when the energy of orgasm is released physically, from a state of intimacy, it lends healing energy to both parties, draws two people deeper into each other, and closer to higher states of consciousness. Orgasm after casual sex often leaves both people feeling awkward, empty and lonely beneath the surface of whatever physical pleasure you may experience.
I invite you not to confuse being in a relationship or being married with intimacy. There are many people in relationships and marriages who have the most casual sex of all.
So I invite you to ponder some questions about your own sexual expression. They key to changing what isn’t working in our lives is to become self-aware, WITHOUT JUDGMENT. When you can observe your behaviors around your sexuality, you will develop more intimacy with yourself, which can only lead to a more intimate experience with others.
How are you currently doing sex? Do you choose sexual partners that you have a connection with outside of just physical chemistry? Do you have a sex drive, or is it asleep? Do you have too much sex with people who are basically strangers? How do you feel after sex in that scenario? When was the last time you felt close to someone after sex and wanted to stay with them? Do you often feel empty and lonely after sex? If you’re married or in relationship, these same questions apply to you! What do you long for in your sexuality? Not the fantasy acts, but through your heart and desire for love and real connection? Do you have a lot of different sexual partners? How conscious and present are you in your own emotional world? Are you blocking feelings you don’t want to feel? Do you use sex to unplug from your painful inner world?
I strive to open windows and doors inside you that will allow you to live your own authentic life. I hope these questions will make you dig down inside and re-evaluate your relationship to yourself and your sexuality.
And as I mentioned before, please read my blog post, The Vulnerability and Wisdom of the Vagina. It will open many more doors and windows in both women and men on this topic and invite you to view sex as much more than a casual experience.
I’ve recently partnered with Troy Casey, The Certified Health Nut, to do a series of videos and upcoming retreats and webinars on the idea of sexual healing, and bringing true intimacy to men and women through our sexuality in a real world marriage of sacred sexuality and practical tools. Sexuality is physicality, consciousness and love, so stay tuned and follow us as we begin the dialogue around this essential aspect of our lives and invite you to post questions for us to explore in our videos. Here’s the link to our first video. Troy is fun, funny, energetic and brings out a different aspect of my energy, so check it out. He’s also extremely knowledgeable about all aspects of our health and wellness and well-aligned with all my philosophies on alternative health and healing.
Please share this with the men and women that you know so that we can begin to create a sexual healing revolution, so that we can all get high off of each other in a more intimate, connected, self-honoring way.
And PLEASE let me know YOUR THOUGHTS, and leave a comment below!
Much love, blessings, and soul-stirring sex,