Ok, so this is a LONG one. You may want to sit down with a cup of tea or coffee, or maybe a glass of wine or, my favorite, a shot of top-shelf tequila. Ready?
How often, ladies, do you end up looking at the man that you are in a relationship with or married to and thinking that you wish he could be a certain way, or that he would do something that you’ve always longed for him to do or the big one, things he used to do?
I was reflecting on something in a conversation I was having with a friend of mine about the reality that as women, in our current modern world, we have a tendency at the beginning of our relationship to try to lead the man that we are getting involved with and who we are attracted to in the direction that we want to go. It feels natural, because we all want what we want, especially in relationship, but this is our fatal mistake. Because you can lead a horse to water, but as the adage goes, you can’t make him drink.
Now when he is very thirsty, he will drink. Using that as a metaphor for early on in relationship where men are inclined to give us what we want in order for them to bed us. This is true, ladies, even of men who care about us or love us or who will love us. That’s BIG motivation for them to deliver all the goods we want.
So let me give you some examples of what I’m speaking to so that I can make what’s clear in my mind, clear to you as well.
Let’s say early on in a relationship, we want the man in our life to know that we love to be spoiled. Now that means different things to different women, but let’s just say for the sake of this piece( and for simplicity’s sake) that we want our guy to know that we love to be taken out to dinner three or four times a week, (ok, so it’s a shallow example but that’s the way it’s coming through!) and we want to be able to spend a certain amount of time together each week.
But when we start booking the reservations for the restaurant, or saying to him, “why don’t we go out to dinner tonight,” rather than allowing him to suggest what he would like to do, we just go ahead and take charge and make it happen. and this is leading the horse to water, or in this case to the restaurant table. So in those early stages you end up thinking all this is so romantic and he takes me out to dinner. But the reality is you set it up.
For the sake of keeping this simple and illustrating the point, if you want someone who wants to go out to dinner three times a week and you are with the man who never suggests taking you out to dinner, and when I say never suggests, I’m speaking to that brand-new place in relationship where people really reveal who they are. Let’s say he suggests hey, let’s go for a picnic out in the woods. Not your flavor? A lot of women would say yes anyway, because they like this guy and they want him to like her, so what we are basically doing is setting up our new relationship lies and facades. You’ll go for a picnic in the woods and hate every bit of it because you don’t like bugs or sitting on the ground, and he will go out to dinner with you even though restaurants aren’t his thing.
As time goes on, you will continue the farce, but most guys won’t. Sorry ladies, but this is one of those places where I have to give it to men for being more simple and honest. And it’s not that we are being dishonest consciously, it’s that there is a subtle form of manipulation going on when we keep trying to get him to do what we want. And it’s born of a fear that either we will never have what we want, or that we don’t deserve to have what we want, or a combination of these feelings. Or perhaps you just don’t want to end up alone, so you settle for what comes along.
What to do? In those early days, if you are clear about what is important to you in relationship, you must adopt the feminine principle of BEING and leave the masculine one of DOING to him. Witness how he shows up organically, because this is who he really is. Is he a guy that brings you flowers and takes you out to dinner and fancy places if that’s who you are? Or is he the kind of guy that wants to sit and talk for hours and know who you are from the inside out?
You won’t find this out if you continue to lead with your doing.
You’re trying to get what you want and need from a relationship which you are absolutely entitled to have, but you can’t get it by trying to change the man who is in front of you. When we do this, we dishonor ourselves and the man before us.
Are you following me on this?
Why do we do this? I believe because inherent in most women is a sense or belief that if we are just being who we are, that won’t be enough to be offered the things that we genuinely want to be offered by a man in a relationship, so we work at it. We set up our own romantic scenarios and all the other ones that are important to us.
But here’s the thing, is it because we’re afraid of being alone? If we just were truly who we were and allowed the man that is the object of our interest to just be who he is and we both were to witness how we each show up for the other we would very early on know the truth of whether we will be a good fit in relationship. Instead we create a habit of getting what we want by taking the masculine role and then one day we realize “he never does XYZ if I don’t initiate.”
You’re right, because it’s not in his nature and you probably should never have been with him if this is one of the things on your list of needs in a relationship. And then when you get angry, your guy is scratching his head because he genuinely, honestly doesn’t understand.
You see, ladies, the simplicity of man is the gift and the confounding confoundment that they bring to us, just as our innate complexity levies the same effect on them.
For men, often a duck is just a duck. To us, we see a potential Christmas dinner (sorry to my vegetarian readers) and a down pillow, and wonder why in the world they only see a duck.
I think part of the problem stems from the idea that most women, including myself for large portion of my life, never really examined what is truly important to me in a relationship. What do I want from a man mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, sexually, financially, and how do I want to feel in his presence?
So many of us just take what we are offered, afraid
to have nothing offered at all. But for those of us who assumed a masculine role and do the doing, not only will you never have what you desire from a man, but you will also emasculate the man that you are in relationship with and he will never have what he wants from a woman, which in part is to be able to offer himself to her, not to be forced to give her what she wants.
There is a huge difference between being offered something by a man and asking for it from him.
In my book, I write about the difference between being a W.O.M.A.N. and feminism. I believe that feminism attempted to bring socioeconomic parity to women, which we certainly deserve, but somewhere along the way we stopped being in our feminine qualities. We stopped experiencing them in ourselves and we stopped offering them to the world, and of course the men we come in contact with.
Men are longing to experience a part of us that knows how to just be, how to subtly suggest what we need from them, without so much blah, blah, blah.
Men don’t want to be talked at, they want to be talked to.
But back to us. If you’re in a relationship, think about how the scenarios I am putting forth in this piece may relate to you and how your relationship began. If your guy is someone who you complain about who is always sitting on the couch drinking beer, watching sports and porn, well, he should probably be in a relationship with a woman who likes to do those things as well. But if in the beginning you chose to overlook qualities that were clearly present in him to go along with it to try to sway him into doing all the things you love, this relationship is and was doomed from the beginning.
The feminine art of asking from the place of the heart, the womb, is wordless and has more power than all the talking we could ever do.
A large part of my work speaks to the need for us to return to the true feminine essence, and by implication how that will redirect the masculine. The masculine has become more feminine as the feminine has become more masculine. Look around the world just in your immediate environment and notice how many couples have an inversion of those male/female polarities, where the women wear the pants so to speak.
And I’m not saying AT ALL that we should let men dominate us. That’s NOT what this is about. It’s about balance, polarity, harmony, synergy, respect for ourselves and that other person, and most of all, love. Not dominion.
So if you just show up as who you are and don’t feel that you have to effort, or do anything at all in order to receive, eventually the right guy will show up. He will offer you those things that are most important to you. You won’t get everything in one person but if you hold out and value yourself, you will attract the most important things on your list.
Now speaking of lists, I highly recommend this as a practice that I have used in my life repeatedly to continue to attract the type of relationship I desire. You do need to make those lists, as they will bring you copious amounts of clarity about all kinds of things you want and don’t want in a relationship. You must get in touch with what you desire and deserve and then you can call it in
So go back a few paragraphs — I know this is a really long post, LOL — but go back a few paragraphs and take some time to write down the answers to those questions. And I don’t mean five minutes, I mean take a week. Write the answers down one day at a time. Refine them, delete some, change them.
Until you are clear about what you truly want, you are gambling with the Universe, which will give you whatever you are asking for, consciously or unconsciously. So become clear and create consciously, as you are otherwise creating unconsciously.
In the meantime you need to show up with the fervent belief and knowledge that you deserve just because you’re you.
Stop trying to tell your man who to be or what to do and how to do it. Let him be.
And don’t use your love and affection as leverage or reward. Love is given freely, or it isn’t love.
If he is truly not a match for you, do the right thing and let both of you out of the relationship. And the next time you meet a guy, if you are a food and wine aficionado and he’s asking you what you like to do and you tell him and then he never takes you to a winery or a great gourmet restaurant, then you know what to do. I’m cracking myself up that I keep picking the food analogies because anyone who knows me personally knows food is not on my list!
So learn to surrender, it’s the most beautiful aspect of our feminine nature. Not surrendering for someone to have dominion over us, but surrendering to the power within us that has the power to attract all that we could ever need or want.
And yes, a duck is just a duck AND Christmas dinner (apologies again) and a feather pillow. All potential is there. What we or someone else sees doesn’t limit or define that duck. Gina is just Gina. AND mother and a lover and a writer and tango dancer and a women’s empowerment coach. If someone only sees some parts of me doesn’t mean the others don’t exist. But I have to ask myself which on that list matter most for me to share with a man in my life. If I choose a man who doesn’t see those parts that matter most, he’s probably not right for me.
Or if he realizes it matters to me and OF HIS OWN VOLITION AND NOT MY FORCING, decides to embrace or explore that with me, it can work. That’s called growth in a relationship.
If you are a more masculine woman, you will attract a more feminine man. Polarity is what creates chemistry in a relationship. People without chemistry are just friends.
So examine your life, are the men you attract more feminine or more masculine? What do you want? And the more masculine a man is, the less likely he will love the wordiness that we women are so prone to, but he will give you other yummy things that we long for. Most of us have a combination of masculine and feminine, with one usually dominant. Which are you and why?
So I think I’ll leave you hanging there, to ponder yourself and all of the above. If you chose to have a glass of wine or that shot of tequila before sitting down to read this, it may have turned into more than one, so I apologize if you’re now a little tipsy.
Remember, YOU are exquisite and deserve all that you desire. Believe this with all your heart, go into your feminine essence, and allow it all to come to you.
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With Fierce, wild love,